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Database Results for "Steven Wright"

QuoteAuthor
"So, do you live around here often?"Steven Wright
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!Steven Wright
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."Steven Wright
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.Steven Wright
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?Steven Wright
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...Steven Wright
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.Steven Wright
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow glance upward)Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.Steven Wright
Four years ago...no, it was yesterday. Today I...No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I...No, I don't.Steven Wright
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.Steven Wright
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.Steven Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.Steven Wright
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.Steven Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this . I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."Steven Wright
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."Steven Wright
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!Steven Wright
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.Steven Wright
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.Steven Wright
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me are furious!Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.Steven Wright
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire.Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.Steven Wright
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.Steven Wright
I lost a button hole today.Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."Steven Wright
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.Steven Wright
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it."Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.Steven Wright
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.Steven Wright
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.Steven Wright
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.Steven Wright
I took a baby shower.Steven Wright
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.Steven Wright
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.Steven Wright
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.Steven Wright
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."Steven Wright
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.Steven Wright
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.Steven Wright
I was skydiving horizontally.Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.Steven Wright
I washed mud, off of mud.Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."Steven Wright
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.Steven Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was.Steven Wright
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.Steven Wright
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.Steven Wright
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.Steven Wright
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...Well, to make a long story short...Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.Steven Wright
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.Steven Wright
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35,...Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.Steven Wright
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.Steven Wright
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"Steven Wright
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"Steven Wright
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.Steven Wright
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...Steven Wright
Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."Steven Wright
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"Steven Wright
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.Steven Wright
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.Steven Wright
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"Steven Wright
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?Steven Wright
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.Steven Wright
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.Steven Wright
Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.Steven Wright

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